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Posted by / 21-Sep-2019 01:54

Lock and Key parties work like this: Men each get a key and women each get a lock—can you guess where this is going?

Everyone mingles, meets, greets and then the men stick their keys in the women’s locks. This takes place at Doubles Night Club, part of the Quality Inn Midtown on Abercorn. The age group for this event was advertised as 24 to 39, but two men are who are clearly past the age of 60 have decided they’re exceptions to this rule.

Like museum chairs, they aren’t designed to be able to hold anyone.

Or the chair seems comfy enough at first, but up close it’s actually sad and sagging—soaked in whiskey and abandonment issues.

Like most hotel bars, the décor sends a passive and conflicting message: the antique sconces on the walls sit at odds with the flat-screen TV’s muted display of sporting events.

Where the lounge’s name implies rendezvous swank, the blue recessed lighting pulses like fiber optics, which makes you feel like you’re either riding in a limousine or underwater, possibly drowning.

I’m taking way more notes than anyone else and my furious and awkward scribbling makes the men suspicious.

The speed dating promotional director’s name is Ellen, and her success rate is measured in weddings. She was a bridesmaid in one of them and wore the classic ugly dress. Save that for when you’re really drunk or you get to know each other better.

Like all children’s games, it’s violent, brutal and aggressive.

It’s an all-out, god-awful, adrenaline-fueled war that involves spiteful pinching, anxious elbowing and the systemic shame of being the last one left standing.

This is how I feel about dating in my late-20s, early-30s. Yes, there are plenty of chairs and chair-seekers left in the game.

As far as the average demographic for speed dating goes, according to Ellen—most of the people here have tried online dating first.

They generally work in IT, software, or some field where they’re not exposed often to the opposite sex.

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Let me put it this way: Even Goldilocks’s “too hard” versus “too soft” dilemma wouldn’t have prepared her for the myriad complexities involved with the occasional suck-year of misadventures in modern dating.

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